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I am 23 years old and my boyfriend is 27 years old.
We work in the same company and we love each other for 1.5
years. He got his parents' acceptance for our
marriage. I told my parents about our love 2 months
back. They do all sort of emotional blackmailing.
They say \"If you want him, go out of this family and
never come back. We will shift this place and go
somewhere, so that we don't have to face the
relatives\". I love them too. But I can't
marry anyone else for their wish. Its like
suicide for me, if I do that. They don't let
me anywhere outside, seized my mobile phone and stopped my
outside contacts completely. Its like house-arrest.
My boyfriend tried to speak to them. But they are
insulting him, even without listening. They love me,
but only until I listen to whatever they say. All my
life, I never had anything I wished for. They bought
me everything and done everything a parent must do, but
without taking my wish as a major factor. I am
totally depressed. I want them to understand me.
My brother is young (17 years). So although he
approves of me, he cant support me against them. My
HR manager spoke to my dad and gave me \"work from
home\". That's why I am able to mail you now.
If somebody can do something to make them realize my pain,
I will have a life, worth living for. We live in India
- Chennai. So, I thought the major problem will be
caste. But, as the days pass, I see that their
problem is: \"What I say must happen - nothing
else\". I just can't believe this attitude.
It creates a lot of mental pressure inside me. I am
afraid sometimes, angry sometimes, and I can't
believe, I sometimes feel hatredness against them.
Please help me with it.
Recently, I got on-site chance from my office. I
asked them to let me go, as it is for only 2 months work
to Singapore. Actually, its my long-time ambition to
go on-site. I told my parents. They didn't
even consider my pleadings and said no and went. I
am really have a strong feeling to die, rather than live
here. But, my boyfriend will be in worst case
depression, if I something like that. That's the
only reason, I am still living. I don't have anyone
to speak to. I feel so lonely. I am always
crying and nothing brings a smile in me. At times, I
think that nobody is needed for me, let me go out of the
house and serve whoever is in need of help.
If you want to any details from me, in order to help,
please ask me. I am looking forward to someone, who
can lift off this burden from my heart.
Please help me to change my parents. I tried to speak
about my feelings. But they are not ready to listen.
How can I change their view?
Help me doctor.
Dr. Gautham's reply:
It is normal for your family to be protective of you. As parents, they are
used to controlling you, and they be trying to do this even though you are
grown up now. As long as you live with your parents, you need to follow
and respect their rules and guidance. Your parents have known you for a
long time and they sense that this is not the right choice for you. They
have a point that you need to consider and address.
I suggest you speak to each of your parents separately. If you speak to
them together, they may gang up on you. Tell them that you love your
boyfriend and why. The best thing to do is talk to them by telling them
that you understand how they feel, but that you want them to understand
how you feel too. Let them tell you why they are against the
relationship. LISTEN to them. Tell them that you understand their
feelings, but you will feel happy if they will meet him and treat him with
respect since they love you. Talk to them about their concerns, the
positives about marrying him AND the negatives of such a match. Let them
air their concerns and answer their questions in an adult manner. Tell
them that you are willing to wait for them to understand you, that you
will not bring up the issue, that you will not meet him or talk to him, to
try to force the issue till then. But that till then they should leave you
alone and give you also time to think.
If you are afraid that your boyfriend will change his mind or that you
will change yours if you don't see him or talk to him, then your love is
doubtful. If you really want to keep peace with your family, and give them
a chance to accept him, the only way would be for them to get to know him
and for you to talk to them about giving him a chance for themselves
instead of judging him on gossip, rumors or history. If you have the
strength, and you are confident that your love is true, and have
confidence in your boyfriend, then wait out your parents. If you don't
have the strength and cannot wait do what they want.
That's all you can do. Only time and knowledge about him can change their
hearts. There is no point in being depressed or crying about it. This only
makes your parents that you are not mature enough to get into the
marriage, that you are still a child, and will make them more concerned
about allowing you to go ahead and marry your boyfriend. It takes
strength, understanding, and patience to change the mind of parents.
You have to do what you have to do, There is no point in fighting it,
hoping for miracles, or trying to take short cuts. If your parents can see
that you are handling it well, that you are arguing your case with
confidence, that you have thought out all the pros and cons, that you are
determined and he is true to you and willing to wait, that you are
behaving in a mature manner, then they may slowly start changing their