Dr. Gautham's

Neuro Centre

(Established in 1988)

A Neuro-Behavioral Medicine Clinic

Dr. Gautham's Neuro Centre
4/68 P C Hostel Road
Chetpet
Chennai, Tamilnadu 600031
India

ph: +91 98410 10197
alt: +91 44 4285 9822

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Below is a question with Dr. Gautham's reply to it. Make your question as detailed as possible to enable an appropriate suggestion / direction that is specific to you. Include details of problem / symptoms, duration, details of associated persons / situations, aggravating factors if any, and relevant personal details

 

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Question:

I am 23 years old and my boyfriend is 27 years old.  We work in the same company and we love each other for 1.5 years.  He got his parents' acceptance for our marriage.  I told my parents about our love 2 months back.  They do all sort of emotional blackmailing.  They say \"If you want him, go out of this family and never come back.  We will shift this place and go somewhere, so that we don't have to face the relatives\".  I love them too.  But I can't marry anyone else for their wish.  Its like suicide for me, if I do that.  They don't let me anywhere outside, seized my mobile phone and stopped my outside contacts completely.  Its like house-arrest.  My boyfriend tried to speak to them.  But they are insulting him, even without listening.  They love me, but only until I listen to whatever they say.  All my life, I never had anything I wished for.  They bought me everything and done everything a parent must do, but without taking my wish as a major factor.  I am totally depressed.  I want them to understand me.  My brother is young (17 years).  So although he approves of me, he cant support me against them.  My HR manager spoke to my dad and gave me \"work from home\".  That's why I am able to mail you now.  If somebody can do something to make them realize my pain, I will have a life, worth living for.  We live in India - Chennai.  So, I thought the major problem will be caste.  But, as the days pass, I see that their problem is: \"What I say must happen - nothing else\".  I just can't believe this attitude.  It creates a lot of mental pressure inside me.  I am afraid sometimes, angry sometimes, and  I can't believe, I sometimes feel hatredness against them.  Please help me with it.

Recently, I got on-site chance from my office.  I asked them to let me go, as it is for only 2 months work to Singapore.  Actually, its my long-time ambition to go on-site.  I told my parents.  They didn't even consider my pleadings and said no and went.  I am really have a strong feeling to die, rather than live here.  But, my boyfriend will be in worst case depression, if I something like that.  That's the only reason, I am still living.  I don't have anyone to speak to.  I feel so lonely.  I am always crying and nothing brings a smile in me.  At times, I think that nobody is needed for me, let me go out of the house and serve whoever is in need of help.

If you want to any details from me, in order to help, please ask me.  I am looking forward to someone, who can lift off this burden from my heart.

Please help me to change my parents. I tried to speak about my feelings. But they are not ready to listen.  How can I change their view?

Help me doctor.

                                                                                       

 

Dr. Gautham's reply:

It is normal for your family to be protective of you. As parents, they are used to controlling you, and they be trying to do this even though you are grown up now. As long as you live with your parents, you need to follow and respect their rules and guidance. Your parents have known you for a long time and they sense that this is not the right choice for you. They have a point that you need to consider and address.

I suggest you speak to each of your parents separately. If you speak to them together, they may gang up on you. Tell them that you love your boyfriend and why. The best thing to do is talk to them by telling them that you understand how they feel, but that you want them to understand how you feel too.  Let them tell you why they are against the relationship. LISTEN to them. Tell them that you understand their feelings, but you will feel happy if they will meet him and treat him with respect since they love you.  Talk to them about their concerns, the positives about marrying him AND the negatives of such a match. Let them air their concerns and answer their questions in an adult manner. Tell them that you are willing to wait for them to understand you, that you will not bring up the issue, that you will not meet him or talk to him, to try to force the issue till then. But that till then they should leave you alone and give you also time to think. 

If you are afraid that your boyfriend will change his mind or that you will change yours if you don't see him or talk to him, then your love is doubtful. If you really want to keep peace with your family, and give them a chance to accept him, the only way would be for them to get to know him and for you to talk to them about giving him a chance for themselves instead of judging him on gossip, rumors or history. If you have the strength, and you are confident that your love is true, and have confidence in your boyfriend, then wait out your parents. If you don't have the strength and cannot wait do what they want.

That's all you can do. Only time and knowledge about him can change their hearts. There is no point in being depressed or crying about it. This only makes your parents that you are not mature enough to get into the marriage, that you are still a child, and will make them more concerned about allowing you to go ahead and marry your boyfriend. It takes strength, understanding, and patience to change the mind of parents.

You have to do what you have to do, There is no point in fighting it, hoping for miracles, or trying to take short cuts. If your parents can see that you are handling it well, that you are arguing your case with confidence, that you have thought out all the pros and cons, that you are determined and he is true to you and willing to wait, that you are behaving in a mature manner, then they may slowly start changing their mind.