Dr. Gautham's

Neuro Centre

(Established in 1988)

A Neuro-Behavioral Medicine Clinic

Dr. Gautham's Neuro Centre
4/68 P C Hostel Road
Chennai, Tamilnadu 600031

ph: +91 98410 10197
alt: +91 44 4285 9822








My husband is not interested in me

Below is a question with Dr. Gautham's reply to it. Make your question as detailed as possible to enable an appropriate suggestion / direction that is specific to you. Include details of problem / symptoms, duration, details of associated persons / situations, aggravating factors if any, and relevant personal details


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My husband does not seem to be interested in me any more. We hardly have sex. I caught him watching a  porn site on the internet and confronted him about it.  He says he wants to be have sex with me but that it is too difficult. I don't know what to do. I feel that when u are in love you are attracted to a person no matter what... I had a baby a year and a half ago and have not kept myself in shape. I just recently started going to the gym and am trying to change this. But what I am afraid of is that I cannot stay with him knowing how he feels, I don't feel like I can trust him when he feels that way and even if I was to get in shape again, I would be too afraid to ever change due to him losing his attraction again... I am upset. I am afraid I will lose him. He is a software engineer and works with many attractive women. He comes home late in the night and hardly spends any time with me. I am terrified that he will leave me for some other woman. Please help me and tell me how to save my marriage.

Dr. Gautham's Answer:

Having a baby means big changes in relationships  and sex is often the first thing to disappear until a couple can make adjustments o this new life. It doesn't happen automatically. It requires the two of you to make it work. There are many reasons why your husband may be not sexually attracted by you 

You could have contributed to the situation. New mothers are very bonded with their baby. If you think back to when your baby was born, you might recall that you had time only for the baby. Being a new mother can be exhausting, and you probably did not care about your appearance. You may also have felt exhausted by the baby, and turned away from your husband when he tried to approach you after the baby was born.  You may also have been emotionally drained by the baby's needs and been irritable and responded sharply or angrily to your husband's advances to you. Many husbands expect that everything will be the same as it was before childbirth, and feel left out, and abandoned, and may withdraw and build up lots of unexpressed anger and resentment if they have no one to talk with about it.

Once you became pregnant, your husband may have been unable to relate to you sexually, and now that you're a mother, this may be continuing. Many of us are told, when we are children, that sex is somehow dirty and wrong. Then suddenly, when you are married you are asked to do it in order to have a baby.  . Some men are very affected by cultural or family messages that once a woman has a child, she isn't sexy or desirable, while women in pornography are somehow 'dirty' or evil, but desirable. These unconscious thoughts can  sabotage sexual attraction to the wife if the wife is not careful and makes no active attempt to be charming and attractive.  (Contd...)



Dr. Gautham's Answer (Contd...):

Just because your husband watches porn does not mean that he is going to be unfaithful to you with another women. As he has tried to express to you, he may only to trying to get up his "sexual juices" in an attempt to be attracted to you.

Neither of you are solely responsible for the situation or for setting it right. The two of you are in it together, and it will require the two of you to make it work. It is important for you to understand this. You must, at any cost, avoid being accusatory or angry.

You must  understand that software engineers have a very taxing job which requires them to work long hours and leave them no time for amorous activities at work. However, being intellectually high strung, they need someone who can talk with them about topics that they are interested in  manner. This can be another women at work, unless you have the time, inclination, or interest to sit and talk about things like fast cars, action sports, or the latest in information technology.

Also, stress on the job can be a major culprit for being unable to have sex. So, stop being jealous, and try to understand him and  be loving and accepting. Let him know that whatever he feels, you'll be supportive'and hope he'll be the same for you. Point out to him that the two of you need to work this out together. A professional therapist  can also help the two of you to express your feelings to each other.