Dr. Gautham's

Neuro Centre

(Established in 1988)

A Neuro-Behavioral Medicine Clinic

Dr. Gautham's Neuro Centre
4/68 P C Hostel Road
Chetpet
Chennai, Tamilnadu 600031
India

ph: +91 98410 10197
alt: +91 44 4285 9822

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Engagement Blues

Below is a question with Dr. Gautham's reply to it. Make your question as detailed as possible to enable an appropriate suggestion / direction that is specific to you. Include details of problem / symptoms, duration, details of associated persons / situations, aggravating factors if any, and relevant personal details

 

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Friday Holiday

Question:
After few  days of my engagement I went into a  dreadful mind  state. I started lamenting like  I cannot handle family  issues, relationships, and went to a unhappy mind state  and behaved  in crazy  ways like saying I will flee away. I just want to know is  there people like me  proceeded to marriage and were successful?
 
Dr. Gautham's Reply:

 First let me congratulate you on your engagement.

 Engagement  blues are far more common than you might think.  You are entering  into a new phase in life.  Everyone comments on  whether or not you're a good  match. On top of that,  all eyes are on  you to plan the "perfect" wedding. As  you and your  fianc�e have  clashing visions of what "perfect" is, you're  discovering  personality  differences and relationship challenges. Your closest  single friends may  feel a bit displaced and replaced causing a mixed-up mess of  emotions. They  feel happy for you, but  they may also feel sad about losing a  degree  of intimacy with you. Some  of them may be a little scared, too, and pass  on this fear to you. You may be going head-to-head with your parents over  the  wedding  details, and beneath the  surface there may be an  unspoken, underlying  issue: the change in the family  dynamic caused by  your marriage. Your family 
 may be channeling their feelings of abandonment,  fear, and sadness about the  impending loss of their child into the wedding,  and passing them on to you  without your knowledge. Loosening your grip on  your identities as a bachelor,  and son and taking on the identity of  husband, lover, protector and provider can  be destabilizing to your sense  of  self.

 So, it is OK for you to feel  anxious, worried,  stressed, or even unsure about  your engagement. It is OK for you to feel sad  that you are ending your days of  bachelor freedom. It's all normal.    Engagement blues can get even the best guy  down.  Every day tasks  suddenly seem to  have more weight than usual during your  engagement.  Much of it is caused by a normal, natural psychological process. From  the  moment you say yes to the marriage, you are tossed into limbo, an unknown,   in-between, new world in which you're neither single nor married,  neither  bachelor nor husband. Your sense of who you are suddenly feels  shaky as you
 close the chapter on your single life.

 Being  engaged is an emotionally trying time in life.  Things are not always 
 what you dreamed they would be. Instead of enjoying this time with  your 
fianc�e  you might be fighting more than usual.  Every small  hiccup can  seem huge when  you're at the edge of this new phase in  life. Even a small difference of opinion  with your fianc�e can seem like the  possible end all of your  relationship. You  may be thinking things  like-  If she's like this now,  what kind of wife will  she make? 

 

 

 

Dr. Gautham's Answer (Contd...):
 

Making the psychological transition from single to married is  a  process all  people go through. For those with short  engagements,  the road can be even  rockier. They have to take the bumps  at high speed, and their emotions tend to  run higher, hotter, and  faster than those with year-long engagements. Men who  get married very  quickly often need more emotional support. But then, all the  stress is worth  it. Because it prepares you to take on the first year of  marriage and sail  through it with minimum problems. Those who did not go through  the stress of  an engagement usually end up with a rocky and stressful first year  of  marriage.

There are  ways to beat engagement blues.  First of  all, knowing you are not  alone  is a big help. Engagement blues do not  make you weak person. Talk to   other guys who are about to get married  and you will probably find others who  are suffering  from the blues  too.  No matter how you are feeling right as this moment, know you  are not  alone.  Know that one small disagreement does not mean  your fianc�e will be a horrible  wife.  She is the same person she  was yesterday, it's your  relationship that  has changed. Take some  non-wedding time to spend with  her.

 Engagement is a  "rite of passage"� a ritual to mark and  celebrate a change in  identity. The  ingrained traditions,  universal structure, and  even the  insanely detailed planning process of engagement and  wedding  help you make a  break with your former realities.

 Look  at the engagement as a process of grieving the end of your single life and  you will realize that though it is  a  counterintuitive,  unconventional, and  revolutionary way to think about  being engaged, it  will debunk the myth that  this should be the happiest  time of your  life, and will then transformed your  engagement from a  time of high  stress to a time of self-discovery. By  consciously mourning your  single self, you'll be building a strong foundation  for your  marriage�one that will support you for as long as you both shall live.

The  reward for all of  this is on the other side. Working through your  engagement blues will  allow you to enjoy your wedding day without the  worry of  wondering if  you are doing the right thing. If you work  through  your  engagement blues now, I can confidently say you will have  a  wonderful married  life.