My girl spends time
with other boys
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I have been dating this girl for nearly 8 months,
things were great, we got along really well, our families
liked each other. She is in the first year and I am in the
third. Her and i did everything together, hung out all the
time. I couldn't have been happier. We told each other how
much we loved one another and that we couldn't be happier
with anyone else I bought her jewelry for her birthday and
on our 6 month anniversary. Took her out to dinner at least
once a week and movies. I really thought this girl
was the "one". We both talked about how we were
going to get through college together and get married
after. We both knew that seeing each other would be an
issue because i was over an hour away. But we promised
that we would try to see each other as much as possible.
But then she started to get friendly with other boys and
party. I know that most people in there first year of
college want to make new friends and party. It made
me extremely uncomfortable when she would talk to other
boys. The thought of her with another guy makes me sick to
my stomach. I tried to talk to her about it and she
just got upset. I finally got an answer about it, she said
that she was confused and didn't know who she was anymore
and wasn't "interested" in dating anyone, we
fought more and more. I would keep bringing up that i
wanted to be with her again and I wanted to work things
out. it seemed that she would fight me on everything and
act extremely immature when i tried to talk about things
as an adult. She says that she loves me, but how could
somebody say and not want to be together. I'm just not
sure if she really loves, if she did she want to hang out
all the time. and would try to get me back the whole thing
just really hurts, after everything we've been through and
everything we have said to each, ii all feels like it was
a big lie, and i feel used in the whole situation. I
treated her like a princess cause I really loved her. I
just need some advice in the whole situation, what I
should do, try to get her back or move on. I'm not sure if
she has said all this because she really doesn't know who
she is, or its some excuse to see and have sex with other
guys ,I just don't know. Some days I don't know if I
really want to go on with the relationship, cause later on
things would go to hell again and then I would lose her
all together. And I don't know if I could trust her again
I don't want that, I still love her.... I cant adjust my
mind to this present situation. its been 5 months and
still I cant adjust.. Even I tried drinking alcohol to get
sleep.. thoughts of her with other boys r always hunting
me down...usually I used to score good marks in my exams..
Now after this problem I couldn't concentrate in my
studies.. for a gal I cant give up my dreams.. am writing
this mail because i believe that u can help me. PLEASE
help...I need my old happy life back.. doc u have to help
me with this situation. I didn't told to my parents about
this...if thy r coming to know abt this they will be so sad. I
don't want to do that...pls help me with this
situation...please respond to this mail..
Dr. Gautham's Reply
I understand what you're going through and believe
that you can recover. But, you need medication not
alcohol, for your depression. Medication
will help you get a control of your thoughts and
emotions so that you can start thinking straight and analyzing
the situation and how to put it right. PLUS you need
understand how to handle the situation.
Love is the most beautiful
on the planet, chances are that you're
already pushing the panic button. Sleepless nights,
unanswered calls, lonely days, the silent phone - each
and everything connives to remind you of the wonderful
time you had with her. Worst of all, you are beside
yourself with worry that maybe there's someone else in
Take things one day at a time. You're going through an
experience that tears you apart. Try to switch off for a
few days and stop thinking about the pain. Just have
faith and allow yourself a breather. When you're ready
to start thinking about it without too much pain, you
need to analyze what went wrong. Think back to
conversations you've had, experiences you've shared.
Collect clues. You'll soon get to the crux of the
Going to college is a new experience and its only normal
that she is trying on her new life by getting rid of
older things that tie her down. Also you have to get a
control of your own jealousy which seems to have created
Excessive jealousy comes due to possessiveness.
And a woman, is something to be cherished, not owned. You
have to see your girlfriend as someone who makes you
happy, and someone you want to spend time with. Nothing
more, nothing less. Having a girlfriend doesn�t make
you a different or more worthy person than you were the
day before you had one. Instead of setting off
fights every time a boy glances at her, take it as a
compliment. Keep in mind that she's your girl, the girl
who is going to marry you. Take this time to
review your good qualities in lieu of comparing yourself
to other men.
you don't think you measure up to your male competitors,
take the time to do a little self-improvement: work out,
learn new things and get a new look.
Dr. Gautham's Answer (Contd...):
Girls do not respond well to you dropping everything and focusing on
them, just because they want to have a good time away from you.
Getting jealous about it doesn�t help in the slightest. It�s
entirely negative. Try and be the best boyfriend you can be. Try and be
the best option that�s on offer. And utter acceptance of this is the
only way forward.In order to manage your jealousy, you have to get to the
root of your feelings. The way you react to things has been wired into
your brain over time, as your collective experiences shaped your
character. It looks like you are not used to a social woman: To you a
woman who's always around friends, both male and female, is a foreign
concept, therefore untrustworthy. You seem insecure: You don't think
you're good enough for her, so you go crazy with the thought of losing
her. You're a pessimist: You think that all good things must come to an
end, and that this one surely will. And it will if you make an ass of
yourself trying to prolong it with excessive protection.
Talk to her about your insecurities. Articulate how you've been feeling
and she'll do her best to reassure you there's nothing to worry about. If
you must, get details on her time away. So if she tells you she's working
late, for example, ask with whom and how long she'll be.
Be strong, even if you're breaking up inside. If you have common friends,
try not to discuss the breakup with them. 't try to start where you left
off with her. Things have changed, and while you are both the same people,
the relationship between you has changed a bit.
You're the controlling type who calls her every hour to inquire about
where she is. Your incessant and irritating check-up calls are
irrational and annoying. So, let her off the hook. Let her call
If you think that each second away from you is a man-tasting party,
go out with her and see how harmless her nights out really are. You
should meet all her friends, especially her guy friends. Talk to the
people who know her best sincerely and candidly. Ask them in a
non-confrontational way to talk about your girl, and let them reassure
you what a good woman you have. Maybe you'll see that they're just boys
and girls having a good and friendly time together. The cold hard
facts will keep your imagination from taking control of you.
Remember these tips won't work
overnight and require time and dedication.
As for right now I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to move
on and try to keep busy with your own life and give her space. Time will
tell if you two were meant to be. It sounds like you two had a great solid
relationship before she started college.
Maybe she is having second thoughts about getting married. Maybe she
can�t stand the idea of hurting you but also can�t handle making a
commitment. Take the hint. It�s time for you two to have an honest talk.
My guess is that you need to put the engagement on hold and give your
relationship more time to develop.
Wishing you success in life