Married but loving another
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My sister got married a year ago. It seems that she
loved someone before marriage which she did not tell
anyone. We came to know of this only when her marriage
ran into problems. She and the person whom she loved
decided among themselves that love marriage is not
possible because of family situation. They sacrificed
the love, it seems, and she got married to
the boy chosen by the family. Her husband is working for
a software company. He is highly motivated about his
career and future. He missed out to show love to her,
was concentrating on his work . They both stayed
together for one month after marriage and then her
husband went to US . Within the next two months he got a
visa for her and she left to join him. In the the two
months gap she was depressed and shared her plight with
the guy whom she loved before marriage. That guy,
apparently, gave some confidence to my sister.
The moment she reached US , she started reacting
strangely, told her husband that she doesn’t like him
and that she can’t live a life along with him. Her
husband got in to a depression and called me, crying,
and narrated things that happened over there. I went and
met that guy whom she loved, and spoke to him. I made
him understand that now she is married and reacting like
this will do nothing. That guy realized it and stopped
all the communication after telling my sister that he is
leaving my sister because the family will suffer. From
that instant she stopped speaking to us thinking that
the family is only worried about the society , and
nobody is worried about her happiness.
She wanted to leave her husband and come back to India.
Whatever we say she immediately says that we all are
forcing her. My brother-in-law loves my sister a lot. He
understood the mistake that he did after marriage and
tried to correct it. When her husband started showing
love she accepted to stay there but still she thinks
that she lost all her happiness. After we explained so
many things she came down to a state that her life is
only with the person she got married but she will be
like a servant helping things like cooking etc…
She has got herself locked in to high depression. She
says that she lost her happiness and life because of
family. We are struggling a lot to get her out of that
…Please we need some suggestion about this … if
there is way to change her mind block.
Dr. Gautham's reply:
It's not uncommon for a woman to find herself attracted
to a former lover, and wondering if things could work
out with him. Especially when there are problems
in the marriage such as the husband focusing on his
career and neglecting his wife, the woman begins to feel
particularly vulnerable. It's a way of escape from an
unhappy time and problems she's going through. It
is not wrong for your sister to want better things for
herself. But by not being able to see that she is
responsible for her own situation, and the effort put
forth by her husband, she is getting herself into a
negative thinking loop that is taking a toll on her.
Dr. Gautham's reply (Contd...):
Your sister's problems can possibly be fixed, but
it's going to take some time and effort on both parties here. And
it is not something that's going to change overnight. The
important thing here is for your sister to ultimately figure out what
she wants out of this marriage and life. This will not happen as
long as she sees herself being wronged by the family. It is, therefore.
important for you and your family to keep out of the situation and not
advise her, as she sees you as ruining her life and will react
negatively to whatever you tell her, and will become more and more firm
in her stand.
It is, therefore, important that you get your sister professional help.
Counseling can be a tremendous help when you have problems. With
counseling she will be able to realize that this situation was of her
own making, and her own choice. That she could have informed the family
about her love before her marriage was fixed. That her lover could have
insisted on doing the right thing by her and asking your family for her
hand in marriage. That the family was kept in the dark and hence could
not have been responsible for this situation. That, the very fact that
neither she nor her lover had the courage to disclose their love to the
family and stand firm, is an indication that marriage to her lover is
doomed, and that they would have been unable to handle the stresses of
marriage. That her husband truly loves her and is standing by her
through this period of extreme stress for himself. That, given Indian
culture, the fact that her husband loves her, and the fact that her
lover is willing to let her go, she can make a fresh life for herself.
That she should try to incorporate the love she feels for her lover, and
introduce some of the things she enjoyed with her lover, into her
husband. That over time, she can grow fond of her husband. That
eventually the flame she had for the lover will burn out. But,
this realization will not come with counseling if her thinking is
clouded with Depression.
From what you tell me it appears that your sister is depressed.
Depression can cloud your thinking and prevent you from seeing things as
they actually are. The good thing is that Depression is easily treatable
with medication. Your sister requires medicines for her depression. The
medicines will stabilize her emotions and clarify her thought process.
With medicines your sister will begin to open her mind and with
counseling your sister and brother-in-law will be able to figure out how
to get things back on track.