Dr. Gautham's

Neuro Centre

(Established in 1988)

A Neuro-Behavioral Medicine Clinic

Dr. Gautham's Neuro Centre
4/68 P C Hostel Road
Chetpet
Chennai, Tamilnadu 600031
India

ph: +91 98410 10197
alt: +91 44 4285 9822

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Marital Problem

Below is a question with Dr. Gautham's reply to it. Make your question as detailed as possible to enable an appropriate suggestion / direction that is specific to you. Include details of problem / symptoms, duration, details of associated persons / situations, aggravating factors if any, and relevant personal details

 

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Friday Holiday

Question:
My husband and i just got married six months ago tomorrow, and i am 18 and he is 20. While we were dating we were inseparable, the only time we were apart was for school and sleep. He was like my best friend, and i could stand being without him. At night we would sleep while still on the phone. I came from a home where i lived with my grandparents, and as soon as he and i started dating his family just stepped in like they had always been there. I love his mom and dad like my own, and his sister is truly just like a sister, i cannot imagine living with out all of them, but lately my husband doesn't seem to care about me anymore. It is almost like now that he has gotten me to marry him, he doesn't have to worry about keeping me anymore. It is def. not a option for divorce due to how religious we are, but i just don't know what to do anymore. I have thought about suicide, and told him how constant the thought was, but still no change. I truly love him with all my heart, and i am still truly attracted to him, but he is not so much attracted to me anymore. I don't know why either, i haven't cheated, or even thought about it. I do have an attitude sometime, and can get angry really easy, but it is nothing new, and i have been getting better about it since before we got married, he gets mad more than he use to as well. when it comes to in bed, i have to ask him--- beg--- and set everything into motion, then its over in a heart beat, then i am left laying there wondering what happen. I just dont know what has happened. it seems like everything is an arguement these days, and i am just truly tired.

Dr. Gautham's Answer:

It is said that love (whether courtship or honeymoon) is blind and that marriage is the eye opener. What that means is that, when you are in love you are blind to family and social requirements which have a large role to play in your life after marriage. It also means that you turn a blind eye to your mate's negative attributes. Also that you fail to see the problems that you could get into post marriage. This blindness of the minds eye can lead the wife into a number of erroneous assumptions. One such, is  the assumption that all undesirable behaviour of the husband (which was overlooked during the courting) is caused by  the marriage or that it is caused by a reaction to the wife. Similarly, in an arranged marriage, "blindness" sets in during the "honeymoon" period and when the newness of marriage wears off, the loving, attentive knight in shining armor may resemble more the court jester, and the young wife might find herself thinking, "What have I gotten myself into?" In fact, neither men (nor women for that matter) really change after marriage. They relax and let their guard down, thus revealing traits that were not visible in the bright glow of courting and honeymoon love. Every individual has virtues, vices, positive attributes and shortcomings. It is not possible to know the whole person until you have lived with him over a period of time.  Then again, during courtship and honeymoon there may have been no opportunity to observe the man reacting to pressure . Impatience and anger bring out behavior that always existed, but is not necessarily on display all of the time.

Youth and inexperience lead a young bride to assume that life after marriage means a long, wonderful "date," with a permanent suitor at her beck and call, just waiting for the opportunity to fulfill her every whim. However, she soon begins to run into differences of ideas, opinions, backgrounds and traditions which, due to her inexperience, she finds difficult to reconcile. Women are often guilty of falling for a man, loving him, telling him how wonderful he is though she is aware of all this faults which upset her (e.g. drinking), but deep down believing that she will be able to change him to her expectations. Plus, women are not good at asking for what they need and want. They often take it for granted that the husband understands her every need and will act accordingly. However, men are not good at interpreting a woman's wishes. They are often more preoccupied by work and a career (at a time when these play a major role in satisfying a wife's needs) and less with wife and home.  The romantic man who was content to gaze into his girlfriend�s eyes for an eternity and would talk with her for hours on the phone,  more often than not, begins to sit back and take it easy as he doesn�t feel the need to demonstrate his love as openly as before. This may make it appear to the wife that the man is indifferent selfish and thoughtless all of a sudden and a far cry from the man she thought she married; Or that he doesn�t seem to care anymore. And she might feel taken for granted and devalued by her spouse's inability to tune in to her feelings and needs.

A  young single man does not have the pressures and responsibilities that occur after marriage. Many of his inherent traits are not yet put to the test. Men usually have to adjust less than women because the wife moves in with the husband (and his parents). Suddenly she�s thrown into a new environment, with a new set of rules and new expectations are demanded of her. At a time like this, she needs her husband to back her up and be there to make things smoother. When this doesn�t happen, sparks fly. If the couple is living alone, the wife expects the husband to pitch in with the housework. After all, the idea that certain things are a woman�s job is a thing of the past. In this case the man will definitely have adjustment problems and may begin reacting to them. And once again the sparks fly. However, when have spent their lives before marriage, becoming and and being independent. You cannot expect them to change this just because they are married. Marriage brings on a series of commitments that he needs to think about and focus on for the family to "settle". This means that he is going to be more focused on his work and less focused on continuing to court his wife. Men are more independent than women and need more space. They need to have their "own time" to let their hair down (either alone or with their friends). When the wife infringes on this, sparks fly.

                                                                                       

 

Dr. Gautham's Answer (Contd...):

The secret to a successful and marriage is for you to realize that men and women ARE DIFFERENT. You cannot expect the husband to behave the way you wants him to. He might forget to give you a bouquet for Valentine�s Day and you may remember to buy him that aftershave for his birthday. But that doesn�t mean he cares any less than she does. It just means he�s more caught up in this job, career and profession and less thoughtful about showing his feelings the way his wife visualized it. But he might show it with little gestures, buying the groceries on his way home (which he does not see as his role), or making the coffee in the morning, which you may take for granted. Therefore you  must look for the reason for your  to behave behave the way he does, no matter how puzzling. And the secret to that is COMMUNICATION. And here again comes the final rub.

Men and women communicate differently and the difference in communication styles can actually cause difficulty in understanding one another thereby getting them to believe that the other has changed after marriage.  Men are more logical. Women are more emotional. Men need less cuddling and communication. They prefer to be left alone to think and work things out, while women want to talk and bounce ideas off of their spouses. This can become a problem if you start nagging the husband to talk and share, when all he wants to do is spend a little time alone thinking first. Men tend to take statements at face value. If your husband comes home and sees you sulking (or banging things around) and he asks you what's wrong , and you say "Nothing's wrong", he will probably let it ago, while you expect him to coax the real issue out of you.  Men don�t need to �talk� about their issues like women do. When they are upset they brood and perhaps be snappy, but they will not expect to talk about it. Men do not want to be molly-coddled and fussed over, and may become irritable when their wives insist that they eat everything that was made for breakfast. So, it may appear to the wife that he feels that she is nagging him. But this does not mean he does not care for her cooking, as will become apparent when she is away.

Studies show that what matters is not what couples argue about, but HOW they argue. Negative arguing with hostile emotional tactics like belligerence, domineering, and verbal attacks meant to hurt the other person and / or their family and friends lead to disillusionment and disappointment with adrenaline surges and increased  stress that spills over into the relationship. On the other hand, positive arguing with friendly use of  debate, humour and an  effort to defuse the confrontation lead to a satisfactory resolution of the problem and less stress with no spillover.

So the best thing that you can do in your circumstances is to trust your husband, understand that he may be preoccupied with his work and career, stop nagging him or making demands when he comes home tired or when he is preoccupied. Stop fussing over him when he does not want it. Try to communicate positively with him when he is relaxed and in a mood to talk, and then ask him what you can do better to make him happy. Do not expect him to make love to you at night as fequently as he used to, especially when he comes home tired, or tense, or is preoccupied. Try to create a more relaxed environment in which to make love, maybe even early in the morning rather than late at night. Try to understand, and to compromise and scale down your expectations of him