Dr. Gautham's

Neuro Centre

(Established in 1988)

A Neuro-Behavioral Medicine Clinic

Dr. Gautham's Neuro Centre
4/68 P C Hostel Road
Chennai, Tamilnadu 600031

ph: +91 98410 10197
alt: +91 44 4285 9822








I feel guilty about premarital sex with boyfriend who has ditched me

Below is a question with Dr. Gautham's reply to it. Make your question as detailed as possible to enable an appropriate suggestion / direction that is specific to you. Include details of problem / symptoms, duration, details of associated persons / situations, aggravating factors if any, and relevant personal details


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Friday Holiday

I'm 21 years old girl in a relation with my boy friend for the past 4 and half years.. We are close and even  physical ... but for the past 5 months we started to fight a lot.. At last he   broke up ... I tried to convince him .. but could not ... Now 4 months are over .. we didn't contact each other ... now I heard that he is having relationship  with his close friend .. his sister is known to me ... I told everything to her ... she told me that he is not good ...She said 'it is better to leave him and live your  life anew' ...already I'm upset and feeling  guilty about the physical relationship ... since I believed him very much  I allowed him to be close ... but now he has cheated me .... I thought to try suicide. I'm a type of very sensitive girl ..but my parents are very lovable .. Now a day's I'm thinking that I'm not suited for their love .. I'm really afraid about  my future . My parents have started searching for a boy for me . I told them not to do so now .. but they are not ready to listen .. I am really afraid about my future hubby ..how can  I be  loyal to him ... I'm not ready to share my past with him ..  I'm feeling pain ..still my past lovable memories about him are around me ..but he has started his new life ... I know reunion again is impossible .. now a days I have lost interest in everything .. in food .. outings .. career ... most of the times I sleep ... I am afraid to be lonely .. I cry a lot ...Please help me sir
Dr. Gautham's Reply:

 Your first reaction maybe to shut yourself away from the world crying. There is no harm in this as long as it does not go on for too long. You need a little time to yourself to take in what has happened, to think and regroup. Take time to  get over the initial hurt, and guilt. You need to think with the logical part of your brain not your heart and emotions. Take as much time as you need to get to this point. Do not be pressured by your situation. Take things one day at a time. You're going through an experience that tears you apart. Try to switch off for a few days and stop thinking about the pain. Just have faith and allow yourself a breather. When you're ready to start thinking about it without too much pain discuss it with a close friend whom you can trust and who will understand and support you. 

Love is the most beautiful thing on the planet, which makes breaking up one of the most painful experiences you can ever live through. Now you have to move on. You cannot forget it. But you must not let it hurt you or feel guilty over it.


Dr. Gautham's Answer (Contd...):

 Premarital sex can make it difficult to distinguish between real love and infatuation. Because sexual intercourse is designed to bring two people together as one, when it is experienced outside of marriage, it can confuse a person's feelings and decision-making ability. Premarital sex feels like it is enhancing oneness and leads a couple to believe it is safe to go ahead and get married. But the fact is, premarital sex usually only promotes body unity and not the mind and soul unity that is necessary for lifetime commitment.

There are many women who have gone through the experience that you have. It is a part of life. Everyone makes 'mistakes'. Remember that at the time you did it you  thought it was the right thing to do. Remember that your parents love you.  And you love your parents. This love is greater than the love you feel for your boy friend.  It transcends the sex you had with your boyfriend. Remember that you are strong. You are so strong that you have fought off the impulse to commit suicide. Which, believe me, is not easy to do. Now use your strength to overcome your guilt. Sex before marriage often becomes that binding force that leads  to a marriage based on sex and not friendship and love. Just because you've had sex doesn't mean you should marry a person. You should marry the person with whom you will have the best possible chance of becoming everything that you want to be. When you get married, remember that your husband will have a different and more deeper  meaning to you that your boy friend. 

If you still feel that you are unable to handle it, then seek professional help.