We are a love married couples, married 5 years back
without parents acceptance. Till then we are living in
abroad, visiting India once in a year. Immediately after
marriage a year in my house they accepted us. During that
initial period and before that, my mother and my wife
quarreled lot many times, due to this, still their
relation is not good.
During the first year as her parents did not allowed her
in the house, that time it was so worst, daily she will
give suicide warning and running out of house, breaking
everything incase if I talk with my house. But after she
gave birth, their parents allowed her. After that this
behaviors reduced a little. Still, she will threaten that
she will go home back or threaten with something.
Please note that, almost a similar case happened when she
was in her childhood, that time her mother and her
grandmother had a fight, ended with her mother to live in
their parents' house for 3 years. After that, my wife
parents joined, there after her mother made her father not
to have much relation with his parents and brothers. Still
it is continuing. In depth I do not know whose mistake was
Due to this, my wife is restricting me not to talk with
anyone in my house. Even for the last 5 years, this is the
case. I should only talk in front of her, with loud
speaker ON. She always thinks that, if I talk with my
house, my mother may tell anything about her, so it might
give problem to my family life. Incase if I go out of her
words, then she will fight with me, going out of house,
gets angry in very very worst condition. During that time,
her face changes much, talk everything out of control.
How can I compromise her? Due to her behavior, we are not
running a good family life.....
Whether my wife has to go any counseling or Psychiatric
treatment? I wanted to change her behaviour.
(Could you please suggest me what is the difference
between them, which I should take first or how )
Anticipating your kind reply.
Dr. Gautham's Reply:
You are not alone. A large number of couple are in a
similar plight to yours. It is said that love is blind.
What that means is that, when you are in love you are
blind to family and social requirements which have a large
role to play in your life after marriage. It also means
that you turn a blind eye to your mate's negative
attributes. Also that you fail to see the problems that
you could get into post marriage. As you can see from your
own experience. This blindness of the minds eye leads you
into a number of erroneous assumptions. One such, is the
assumption that all undesirable behaviour of your lover is
caused by others and that all undesirable personality
attributes in your lover are only temporary reactions to
pressure or oppression by parents, family, or society. You
fail to realise that you may be dealing with a personality
disorder and take on the role of a "knight in white
armour" rescuing the damsel in distress assuming that
you can shield her from her oppressors and provide succor
thereby correcting her behaviour. Only after marriage do
you begin to realise how wrong your suumptions were.
Suicidal threats, running away following a conflict,
destructive behaviour when denied are all hall marks of a
borderline personality disorder.
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is an emotional
disorder that causes emotional instability, leading to
stress and other problems. The self image persons with BPD
is distorted, making them feel worthless and fundamentally
flawed. Their anger, impulsivity and frequent mood swings
may push others away, even though they desire loving
relationships.They have an insecure sense of who they are.
They often experience a love-hate relationship with others
including their spouses. They may idealize someone one
moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury
and hate over perceived slights or even minor
misunderstandings. This is because people with the
disorder often have difficulty accepting gray areas �
things seem to be either black or white. All this leads to
turmoil in relationships, frequent changes in jobs,
friendships, goals and values.
People with borderline personality disorder often feel
misunderstood, alone, empty and hopeless. They're
typically full of self-hate and self-loathing. They are
highly unstable emotionally, and develop wide mood swings
in response to even mildly stressful events. Interpersonal
relationships in BPD are particularly unstable.
Dr. Gautham's Reply Contd...
Typically, people with BPD have serious problems with boundaries. They
become quickly involved with people, and quickly disappointed with them.
They make great demands on other people, and easily become frightened of
being abandoned by them. Their emotional life is a kind of
rollercoaster.They indulge in impulsive and risky behavior, such as
alcohol and drug abuse, risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or
illegal drug use. Strong emotions that wax and wane frequently are common
with intense but short episodes of anxiety or depression. There may be
inappropriate anger, sometimes escalating into physical confrontations,
and suicidal behaviour. There may be difficulty controlling emotions or
impulses with destructive outbursts. Poor impulse control may lead to
problems with gambling, driving or even the law. They may be fully aware
that their behavior is destructive, but feel unable to change it. All this
leads to many areas of their lives beingaffected, including marriage,
social relationships, and work. People with BPD may also lose touch with
reality for short periods of time during which their imagination takes
over from reality. During such periods they may suspect everyone of trying
to harm them and may even hear imaginary voices talking badly about them
or plotting to harm them.
Personality is shaped by both inherited tendencies and environmental
factors, or experiences during childhood. Some factors related to
personality development can increase risk of developing borderline
personality disorder. These include a hereditary predisposition (a close
family member � a mother, father or sibling � has the disorder),
childhood abuse (physical, verbal, and others), and neglect. Persons with
BPD have inborn temperamental abnormalities. Impulsivity and emotional
instability are unusually intense in these patients, and these traits are
known to be heritable. Similar characteristics can also be found in the
close relatives of patients with BPD. The impulsivity that characterizes
borderline personality might be associated with decreased serotonin
activity in the brain. Some borderline patients describe highly traumatic
experiences in their childhood, such as physical or sexual abuse. Others
describe severe emotional neglect. Many borderline patients have parents
with impulsive or depressive personality traits. However, some patients
report a fairly normal childhood. Most likely, any of these scenarios is
possible. Borderline pathology can arise from many different pathways.
The social factors in BPD reflect many of the problems of modern society.
We live in a fragmented world, in which extended families and communities
no longer provide the support they once did. In contemporary urban
society, children have more difficulty meeting their needs for attachment
and identity. Those who are vulnerable to BPD may have a particularly
strong need for an environment providing consistent expectations and
Earlier, it used to be believed that there is no specific or universal
method of treatment for BPD. However, today we have medicines that can
stabilise the swinging emotions, alter the perceptoion of the environment,
and take the edge off impulsive symptoms. Once the emotional swings and
impulsivity have been controlled the way they perceive life and
relationships can be modified using cognitive behaviour therapy. Cognitive
behaviour therapy help you to change how you think ("Cognitive")
and what you do ("Behaviour)" by challenging the way you think
about and react to your environment.
As you have described, your wife appears to be suffering from Borderline
Personality Disorder and her mother also seems to have had the disorder.
Your wife also seems to have gone through a traumatic childhood. She
requires to be treated with a combination of medicines and cognitive