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My boyfriend is obsessed with sex

Question:

The problem is with my boyfriend.His name is vinothkumar age:26 working in a software company.He is so obessessed with sex..He asked me to slept with him.I m just doing my final year B.E. so I denied it.He asked me to take videos of my friends while they changing their dress.But I didnt do it.He already have a girlfriend during his collegedays.Her name is manju.She has done all these things what I mentioned above when he asked her.Due to family problems manju married another guy and left vinoth.He cares about me a lot.He will be happy and depressed to the extreme.He shares everything with me only.He will not share his worries to anyone.Even if he is not happy,he doesn't show to anyone except me.He will act as happy to everyone.I try to leave him.But if I leave him he will either become mad or die..I asked him if I marry someone what will you do.He said that he will kill me.I dnt knw what to do.I wanna recover him from obessession wit sex.Please help me

Dr. Gauthams reply:

You need to tell him what feel. You are not ready yet and he needs to know that, and more than knowing it, he should show respect for it and you shouldn't be pressured into doing anything either. Tell him that you don't want to talk about sex right now and switch the conversation to something else you both can discuss freely. You're young and you have time for that later, you should make him understand that. One of the most important things in any relationship is communication. That, and loyalty. And love, of course. Boys can be interested in having sex with their girl, but any boy who loves his girl will respect her desire to not have sex till after marriage. Your boyfriend seems, to me, to be abnormally obsessed with sex. Talk with your boyfriend about WHY he is so obsessed with sex, and make it apparent that you're just not quite ready for it yet. If he is asking you to take videos of your girl friends while they are undressing it is certainly a sexual deviancy. Where is the guarantee that if you marry him he will not ask you to bring one of your girl friend over to sleep with him... or even worse?

Dr. Gautham's Reply (Contd..)

If he has issues with your not acceding to his abnormal sexual demands then... that's really his problem. And if he cannot respect your wishes then you need to let him go. If he forces you to have sex, it's not "making love", it is rape.

Also, it seems to me that he is treating you as an obsession, and obsession that he must control. You must decide whether he is in love with you or obsessed with you. Love is not about controlling your partner. Small amounts clinging and jealousy in relationships are natural and lots of people have that, but your boyfriend seems to be different. His behavior is more likely the result of a personality disorder and something that is unlikely to change in the near future. The question you have to ask yourself how much longer are you willing to put energy into a relationship that could turn out to be damaging and likely to get worse. Has he ever been physically violent with you? You obviously don't feel safe leaving him and that is a bad sign. Are you still trying to convince yourself that this is a loving relationship? Are you clinging to him because you yourself have a low self esteem and are afraid that if you let him go you will not find someone else?

Have you discussed this with your family, a close relative or friend? If not, please do so immediately before things get worse. If you find it hard to talk with them print out what you have written and my reply and show it to them. It would be wise to get out, what looks to me like a damaging relationship, while you can. His problems are his own and if he wants help then he can consult a psychiatrist if he wants. But it should not become your life crusade to "save" him at the expense of your own life and happiness.

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