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I'm 23 years old pursuing CA course> I have been in a relationship for one and half year with a girl who is 21 years old (pursuing M Sc final year). One month back we had break up on a small fight , she said she has been thinking about our relationship for more than a month and she feels its not going to work out. She is finding many differences these days.
She had complained that I might leave her in tough situations and that I'm bit traditional & optimistic to her and she feels we both think differently. She also said she has been compromising and adjusting for many things and she cannot do it any more.

My parents and my sister knows about this. my mom and sister are against to our relationship because
1) she isn't so great when it comes to looks (even I accept it to some extent)

2) she had gone around with a Muslim guy for an year or so

3) inter caste & inter religion.(she is a Kerala Brahmin I'm a Telugu Vysya) and our both families believes in horoscopes.

I accepted that I have troubled her and I apologized. I was influenced by my parents and friends that she is not good looking like me.  Now I'm feeling that shouldn't be a problem because she is well educated and has good communication skills. I tried convincing her twice. She says she doesn't want to go back. I somehow feel I can get her back. But I'm not sure whether I really want her or not (now we are in contact as friends). She is basically very sensitive and impulsive. We had physical rapport too (not complete sex). I'm confused and upset not able to study . Please help me!



Dr. Gautham's Reply:

Let's look at this closely. First of all, someone you're with for nearly 2 years, and about whom you would even entertain the thought of marrying, deserves your honesty. You need to sit down with her and tell her what you have told me. You are not sure whether you want to marry her or not. That your parents are against this. That you don't think she looks great but like her intellect and communication skills.  That you feel she is too impulsive and rushing in and out of relationships. That she is too sensitive and vacillating and you are not sure whether you can live with her if she continues this way but you are not sure that you want to lose her. You don't want to get married right now, and you aren't sure if that feeling is ever going to change.

If she should be someone that appreciates your honesty, candor, and willingness to have a conversation about this she will hear you out and respect that you have the right to feel the way you do. She should appreciate you for who you are, and not who she wants to change you into being. BUT THEN, you need to listen to her too. Ask her why she has changed her mind?  She may just feel insecure. She may feel that YOU are unstable, that you cannot think for yourself. That you are easily influenced by your family. That you are fickle minded and keep changing your mind. That you are insensitive to her feelings, and she is not sure whether she can live with such a guy.

Patience and talking without pressure to make a decision is what both of you needs right now. A good open dialogue does wonders for the soul, and there is nothing wrong with taking a month, 6 months, or even a year, to be sure about what you both really want.

However...there is a good chance she has decided that she has had it with your indecision and that she has decided that you are not the guy for her. No matter how good your relationship is, she may be perfectly willing to throw it away because she is fed up with your indecision. Women want their man to be stable, able to think clearly, who can stand up for their girl no matter what happens, and who will be a source of strength. You, on the other hand, have been stressing her out and stressing yourself out with your inability to make up your mind, your INSENSITIVE EGOISTIC attitude towards her ("she is not good looking like me" !!!), and your total self-centeredness.

You are neither respecting your needs nor your partner's needs. It's wrong when two people can't accept that they each want different things in life. You really can't expect to be able to pressure her into taking a huge life altering step that you don't want to take yourself.

When the time comes any man will take the woman who comes along and adjust with her to make a successful marriage. Similarly, when the time comes any woman will take the man who comes along and adjust with him to make a successful marriage. When you meets the right person, and the person is at the right time, the angels sing and all is right in the world. At the very least, I see that you may not be at the right time in your life for marriage. If you take this huge step because of guilt, or pressure, or to not lose her, or for any reason other than that you actually want to, then you will regret it.