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How to handle girl friend's temper

I am 22. I have a girlfriend. We are in a relationship for an year. Initially building the relationship was very difficult. She had all problems of parents and family issues, but later we sorted it out. But after our relationship she has been very loyal and truthful. From that I understand that she loves me truly in all aspects.

But she is extremely short tempered. When she gets into temper, she shouts all kinds of things like 'leave me' ,'go and die', 'I was happy before I got committed to u', and all that. Sometimes I often have to give her 50 miss calls to talk to her.

Due to her this type of attitude, she has lost all friend of hers. She often tells me not to leave her, whatever the situation be.The other time, she is very sweet and caring.

Due to her changing attitude, I am in a real problem. I don't understand how to handle her. Often, I loose my emotional state of mind and start behaving like mad people. If this does not stop, ll loose my mental stability.

What should I do ? Please guide.

Dr. Gautham's reply:

From the little that you tell me it appears that your Girl Friend may be suffering from a Borderline Personalty. Falling in love with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is an emotional roller coaster ride. The relationship involves never-ending emotional blackmails, hurtful criticisms, threats, manipulations, verbal attacks and silent treatments. They are known to call you at work more than 20 times in a day. They need constant reassurance. Borderlines feel the need to check up on you all the time. They also wake you up in the middle of the night because of their concerns.

How can you continue to love a person who will give you the responsibility for anything and everything bad that happens to them? You are accused as the source of all their pains, heartbreaks, anger, frustrations and hardships? The Borderline will emotionally wear you out by their insults and accusations.

Borderlines have a problem with regulating their emotions. They feel real pain and fear of abandonment.

No matter how much a trusted friend will tell you to leave the relationship, you just can't do it. At least for the time being, you want to stay and give it another try.

Here are some techniques that can help you survive the relationship.

1. Self-esteem Self-Check

You cannot survive a relationship with a Borderline if your self-esteem is shattered. You need to learn to take care of yourself. Your Borderline loved one is incapable of taking care of you. You have to believe that you can commit to your partner's treatment and recovery.

2. Four things NOT TO DO

There are four things you should not do or say to your partner. The first is don't defend yourself. The second is don't explain. The third is don't justify. The fourth is don't counter attack. Your lover may misconstrue the above-mentioned statements and actions. She may think you are disagreeing with their reality. She may say that that you are literally screaming at het that she is wrong, bad and stupid. She may become defensive and will start confront you.

3. Practice SET Communication Method (Support, Empathy, Truth)

In SET strategy, S stands for Support. It is very important to give a support statement to reassure your lover that you have a desire to help. The E stands for Empathy . It involves making your partner feel that you understand her feelings. The T stands for truth. This technique entails re-stating reality after the emotional outbursts are diffused.

4. Understand Validation and How, and When to Apply It

You can validate the feelings of your girl by accepting their right to their feelings. Though you do not necessarily agree with her, acknowledging her feelings will help you identify their current feelings. These emotions circulate as feelings of being sad, frustrated, unheard, misunderstood, lonely, depressed. By validating, you can help her label her feelings and be there for her. The goal of validation is to calm your loved one. Otherwise, a trivial issue may instead escalate to anger and rage.

5. Set Healthy Boundaries

Sometimes, your loved one becomes very emotionally deregulated. She may become very agitated and angry. If initial attempts to do the 4 steps above do not work, protect yourself from damaging criticisms and verbal abuse. Let your lover one know that her message is important but you need to set another time to discuss the issue. Boundaries provide structure to the relationship and prevent abuse.

I wish you all the best in your relationship

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