Question:

Hello sir.. I was in love with a guy for 6 years.. it was intercaste.. he belonged to obc and I'm a Brahmin. My family opposed it at first. After lots of fight they agreed and we got married 2 months back. Now I feel very guilty that I did the wrong thing to my parents. I hurt them. Though they are talking to me nicely and all.. but I dont know why I'm feeling very guilty. His family's culture is totally different. Though his family members are very nice and kind hearted. and my husband is toooo good. He loves me very much. But I don't know why this feeling keeps on roaming in my mind that I did wrong with my family. I did intercaste marriage. What to do? I feel very depressed all the time.

Dr. Gautham's Reply:

If I have understood your predicament correctly, your parents were against this marriage because it was inter-caste, but then they finally capitulated and you married with their blessing. Your parents do not express any resentment, nor do they show any hurt. So that does not appear to be the problem.

Your in-laws also treat you well, and do not express any concerns. So that too does not appear to be the problem either.

Your husband loves you and treats you well, so that too does not appear to be a problem.

You married into a totally different social culture. You have not specified any details, but I am led to assume that you are disappointed, maybe, even at times, disgusted,  by the habits and behavior of the family you have married into. You, therefore, are wondering whether you have done the right thing  by this marriage. Thus, it appears that self-doubt, and disappointment is the problem. You, however, refuse to accept your own disappointment, and are projecting it onto your parents and attributing it to them, thereby comfortably passing off your own doubts to them and deriving comfort from the guilt that is, therefore, produced.

Dr. Gautham's Reply Contd..:

It is said that love is blind and that marriage is the eye opener. What that means is that, when you are in love you are blind to social requirements of the family you are marrying into, and which have a large role to play in your life after marriage. It also means that you turn a blind eye to the possible perceived negative (from your family background viewpoint) attributes of the family you are marrying into. Also that you fail to see the problems that you could get into post marriage. This blindness of the minds eye can lead you into a number of erroneous assumptions. One such, is the assumption that all reactions of the parents are caused by the marriage which they had initially opposed. 

I think you are doing your parents a disservice by attributing emotions to your parents that they may not be experiencing. I urge you to open your mind's eye. Look at what you are disappointed with in your marriage. Accept that there are certain things that you cannot change, and either change yourself, if possible, or adjust to the situations. Look at things that you could possibly change, and how you can go about doing it. Understand, the it was YOUR choice, and that you have to live with it for not just a short time, but for a lifetime. You may as well see how you can make the best of it.

Have a truly heart to heart talk with your husband about the issues that you have identified as disturbing to you in his family. Loving you as much as he does, I am sure he will help you to deal with them and overcome them. Show your parents, and your in-laws, that you love them and care for them.

It is also possible that you are home-sick and missing your parents and the culture. Also, do not make the mistake of assuming that only your husband's family has this kind of culture. It could be that if your parents had arranged the marriage, you could still experience culture shock with the family of their choice. I am sure that over the next 6 months, you will gradually overcome this and become comfortable with your new life. If at the end of 6 months, you have still continue to feel the same, then you may be suffering from a clinical depression, and require professional help.