Question:

i am 20 year old. recently i made friendship with a guy. i told my mom about it. This guy is my senior. My mom scolded me and asked me to cut his friendship.i told that guy that mom asked me not to talk to you. He said he will start drinking if i do so.i got scared and lied to my mom that i dont talk to this guy. soon after i went to bangalore for my fellowship. i got really close to him there.i feel in love with him .i told him also . he said he had a girl friend. but due to certain circumstances they had to split up.he said he cant forget that girl .but if he forgets that girl ,i vil be his life partner.Keeping this in mind i became even more close to him .He really cares for me.He thinks i am someone very precious. He thought me many things.Recently in my college i had a fight with my friends.He supported me at that time too.Suddenly he has gone back to depression.He also has a head injury. I am very scared for him.He does not want to meet a doctor also.He does not pick my call nor text .And if suppose he picks up also it ends up with a quarrel.And the reason for the quarrel is me.Its because i cant see him getting ill because of that girl .i feel very possesive on him.He has never said me i love you but i truely love him.Even he knows it.I am very scared for him and last night we had a horrible fight. Thts also because of me .I said him  get lost from  my life and scolded him with very bad words.He got really annoyed and asked me not to talk to him. .Its me who always hurt him. I dont do it intentionally .I want him to be fine. I want him to ve a happy life.please tell me what to do.

Dr. Gautham's reply:
Evaluate honestly: Is this relationship healthy, or is it unhealthy? Be objective as you analyze how things have changed since this relationship began. Ask yourself the following questions:

Is everyone who cares about you  getting worried or is being pushed away?

Does this person bring out your best, or worst traits? Do you feed each others' best self, or have you seen your attitudes change to more closely mirror your partner's, which puts off your family and friends?

Recognize your blindness to your partner's faults. Infatuation isn't necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it can be necessary and good; however, it does make one "temporarily insane" for the first part of a relationship. Sometimes our starry-eyed affection can make us willfully close our eyes to warning signals, even though we really kind of know that our friends and family have a point when they say they don't like this or that about the significant other.

Do you find yourself apologizing or defending your boyfriend's behavior? If you find yourself getting defensive when someone questions your relationship, you're probably already aware that there is a problem and haven't yet come to terms with it. Remember that people in healthy relationships have nothing to hide or defend. In fact, when a relationship is healthy, your friends and family are normally going to recognize that this person makes you very happy, brings out the best in you, and they will rejoice with the two of you.

Are your plans are continually overturned in favor of his?. Are you always changing your plans to do what he wants?

When talking with mutual friends, have they ever said something about your boyfriend that made you stop and say, "Huh? But he said something different to me... You can't have understood that right."? That's a big red flag.

When you're being controlled or manipulated, it's usually through half-truths or omissions, not outright lies. There's just enough weirdness to make you stop and think, but not quite enough to get you to re-evaluate the entire relationship. If this happens more than once, STOP and remind yourself that this isn't the first time you've had this reaction. 

Dr. Gautham's reply contd...

Start analyzing discrepancies between what your boyfriend said and what your friends say. If there are a lot of them, call him out on them. If his reaction or answers don't satisfy, it is time to re-evaluate in a major way. And don't delay doing the analysis - it may save you from disaster later.

Is your support system dwindling? Cutting you off from your support systems helps her/him gain dominance over you - and you think it's your decision. A controlling boyfriend will treat your friends and family with disrespect - your friends will report rude remarks made behind your back, or you will actually see him treat them in a dismissive or outright rude way. However, when you're alone with him, he will never say a bad word about those friends, but rather will be kind, loving, and even complimentary about them. It will make you believe your family or friends are simply jealous, don't understand him, etc. You forget his nastiness to their faces because he's nice behind their backs. It's much easier for him to control you when you've decided your loved ones just don't understand him, and soon, you will have no one but him to turn to.

Is he morbidly possessive? Recognize excessive jealousy or possessiveness as a danger signal. If your boyfriend is protective of you, that's sweet. If he's bizarrely, overly protective, it should be scary.

Does he do something that is totally unacceptable and then ask your forgiveness, tell you he realizes he was wrong, and promises to change? That is a WARNING signal. He may seem utterly sincere and convincing - but it is part of the control. It is a way to use your compassion to keep you interested - at this point he may even tearfully say he wants your help to change. He may give you lavish gifts and attempt to sweep you off your feet, again, re-establishing his sincerity and your belief that he truly loves you. Watch for the destructive behavior to resume as soon as he believes he has you hooked and complacent again.

Does he keep saying things like, "Nobody will ever love you the way I do,"? This may seem sweet, but it can also be a DANGER signal that he wants you to believe that nobody but he will ever love you again. It fosters utter dependence on him and his love. Over time, these ideas erode your sense of confidence. You will begin to believe you're unworthy of better treatment, and he's the best you can hope for. Do not believe this, you deserve so much more - and that is what you should have.

All of the above are warning signs that you are involved with a controlling, person who's likely to be manipulating you. Try to be objective. Are you losing yourself to an odd, and ultimately destructive, relationship? If the answer is yes and you want to regain your individuality and strength, you'll need to determine whether the relationship is taking something away, and, if so, you must put an end to the destructive cycle. And if you discover that he is actually destroying your self-confidence and your independance and converting you into a nervous wreck, Ask yourself whether the relationship is worth saving.

There may be no choice but to part ways, even if you still love him. Stop berating yourself for being trapped into this relationship. Realize that he's amazing - on the surface - and you shouldn't beat yourself up for being attracted to that. Destructively controlling people are often an odd mix of very high intellect or talent, coupled with low self-esteem (although they often seem confident to the point of arrogance - a mask for their internal lack of true confidence). Controlling, manipulative people are not able to just let things happen naturally - he must control things. What makes it most difficult is that he's probably gorgeous  and smart, funny and charming. It's no wonder you fell for him.