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My parents are against my marriage

I'm 29 years old. My parents are searching for a match for me from last 5 years but every year, as my marriage is about to be fixed it breaks, either due to some dowry, some looks, some fraud in the boys family side etc.. Now I'm fed up of seeing or meeting the guys, and least interested to marry in my caste becuase in my caste money and dowry is more important than a girl. Now I'm in love with a guy whom i know from the last 3 years. He is of a different caste. He is one of my best friends with whom I share each and every matter of my life and everything I feel. When I told to my parents, they fell into depression. Now, all the time they say, "You broke our trust...you are immature to take decisions.....we are the owner of your life...... how you dare take the decision of marrying him" erc.

It is continuing for the last 1 year and it is not stopping. I'm planning to marry him but now I'm under house arrest. They are just showing me guys who are having good packages and etc. but now I'm not in a mood to marry any other guy. I tried to explain to my parents and brothers individually but they are continously blackmailing me, saying that if I don't broke with him, they'll die. I said, " At least give me some time," but they are forcing me to choose from the guys they select and to get married.

I'm suffering from neck pain ,numbness in right hand,regular headache, I take at least 2 pain killers in a day and sometimes I get hallucinations. I visited a doctor and got MRI and other x_rays but everything is normal. Now I'm jobless and under daily pressure from my family. I'm pissed off! Daily I feel like committing suicide or running away from home. My hand numbness is getting worse. The headache and backbone pain is also getting worse. If I try to meditate it becomes very difficult. Every time I feel tired, I lost all interest to do all my favorite activities.

I don't know what to do/ How to cope up with all these issues. Do i really need to visit psychiatrist personally? Recently a neurologist gave me antidepressant tablet to reduce my hand pain and numbness. but after Taking it I feel more restless. Please help me.

Dr. Gautham's Reply:

You are in a difficult situation. However, if both of you are strong and committed to your marriage with each other, and can stand unflinching in the face of opposition, no one can stop you. However, remember that it is said that love is blind and that marriage is the eye opener. What that means is that, when you are in love you are blind to social requirements of the family you are marrying into, and which have a large role to play in your life after marriage. It also means that you turn a blind eye to the possible perceived negative (from your family background viewpoint) attributes of the family you are marrying into. Also that you fail to see the problems that you could get into post marriage. You have an additional blinding factor and that is your anger against your community for their discriminatory practices and rights infringement. This blindness of the minds eye can lead you into a number of erroneous assumptions.

Remember that a friendship before marriage especially one born out of a state of oppression does not necessarily equate to marital bliss after marriage. Also, that your parents have your interest in mind, even if it does not agree with your way of looking at things.

You need your birth family even after marriage, maybe especially more so then, based on circumstances. therefore it is not a good thing to totally alienate them. Get a hold on your blinding anger. When you display your anger and desperation it convinces the parents that you do not know what you are doing. Try to sit down with them after you have calmed down and got a control of your anger and show your parents, that you love them and care for the, that you are willing to wait for their acceptance.

Talk to them about what you see as their emotional blackmail and ask them how it will be if you started to adopt the same tactics. Show them that you can reason out the situation like an adult and that you are not being childish. If, after contemplating on the issue, you are convinced that this is the right boy for you, tell them so and that you are firm about your decision and that you are not going to change whatever they say or do. Tell them you are not going to force them to accept but that you are willing to wait. If you can find someone in your family whom your parents respect, enlist their help in this open discussion. Then do nothing! What ever your parents say or do be stoic and show them that you are in control.

If you are unable to do this, it might be because of your depression in interfering with your ability to handle the situation. The symptoms that you describe including the physical symptoms that have been investigated and found to have no physical basis, suicide or running away from home indicate that you need treatment. So you require treatment with medicines for your depression. The medicines will help you to think this situation through, talk to your parents calmly, and cope with the stresses of your situation.

If you can come to Chennai, you can call +91 98410 10197 for an appointment. If possible bring your parents too. Then I may be able to talk to them and help you through the situation.

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