Below is a question with Dr. Gautham's reply to it. Make your question as detailed as possible to enable an appropriate suggestion / direction that is specific to you. Include details of problem / symptoms, duration, details of associated persons / situations, aggravating factors if any, and relevant personal details

Question:
My cousin & a neighbor sexually & physically abused me since I  was 3 years old & went on until I was 12 (the neighbor & my cousin didn't know each other). I pretty much lived in shame all my life & I lost my childhood.
around 3 years ago I was dating a guy. After 8 months of being together I found out that he was cheating on me with 5 other girls. I was humiliated and felt used.

I always felt men were interested in me only physically & i have no self worth what so ever. A year ago I met a guy and were in a serious relationship. His family had accepted us and we planned to marry in 4 years.
Less than a year ago I lost my father to cancer and this has been a very difficult time for me.

My boyfriend is extremely patient with me but because of my previous relationship I feel very insecure & jealous. Sometimes I just want to break it off & never risk being in a relationship again. My boyfriend compared me to his brothers girlfriend and called me a whore, Though we got back together after this I just don't feel the same with him. I feel very low and I constantly fight with him.

I feel suicidal of late. I absolutely hate myself and have no one close enough to talk to. I don't like talking to my boyfriend after he called me a whore. He  apologized to me but I don't feel the same. I do feel like a whore. I feel ashamed to walk in public I feel cheap about myself. I  just wish I was dead.

Dr. Gautham's Reply
People who were abused as children (physical beating or sexual abuse) are more likely to suffer low self esteem as adults. They have learned that they are of little value in themselves or just an object to be used. They have been 'brain washed' by constant criticism or abuse that they are a certain way. And so with you. When you begin to question this former conditioning or brainwashing then a healthier and more accurate sense of self can begin to emerge. This happens in a similar way to how people may break away from the brainwashing of a cult. There are other forms of abuse and certainly a history of being heavily criticized or unfavorably compared to others can lead to low self esteem, and this is exactly what is happening with your boy friend.

It is popularly put about that low self esteem can be successfully treated by a bombardment of “positive messages”. But research has shown that positive affirmations actually worsen the mood of people who already have low self esteem. You are now  highly emotional your perception is distorted. Only when you calm down and begin an honest evaluation of  yourself will a healthier self-esteem  emerge like butterfly from a chrysalis.

Dr. Gautham's Reply (Contd...):

Contrary to popular belief, people with low self-esteem tend to be very sure of themselves. That is the problem. Thus you may find that you are convinced that you are worthless or inadequate. You tend to find every argument to put yourself  down continually, and wallow in self-pity. So you must first BREAK your  own opinion of yourself and begin to assess your strengths (every single one of them, however small or insignificant), and your weaknesses. Write down a list of these. Then understand how you can use your strength to cover for your weakness (you may not be able to change your weakness). Remember that in the fairy tale the “ugly” duckling was certain it was a failed duck and would not believe when others told her that she was a swan till she saw her reflection. So you have to hold up a mirror to yourself and see all your strengths.

Your former abuse has lead to trauma which maintains the sense of “damage” and low self worth. This will improve only when traumatic memories are dealt with effectively. You must stop looking at yourself as a party to the child sex.  Healthy pleasure is a part of life and sex is a healthy pleasure when both parties give mutual pleasure to each other. So you do not have to feel guilty about having sex, or about enjoying the sex in childhood. You do not have to feel ashamed about it because you were not responsible, and the other persons were. Nobody was harmed by it other than your own self esteem which has led to self pity.

So stop wallowing in self pity, and start looking at yourself in a new light, at your strengths and success. To change your self image and improve low self esteem, you need to believe in an alternative opinion of yourself through experience.

You may require professional help with Cognitive therapy. You may also require medication which will reduce your depression and clarify your thinking in order for you to be able to re-evaluate yourself as I have discussed above.