Question:

I have two children. A daughter 5 years old and a son 1 year old. Last week when I was sleeping with the baby my daughter came in pulled him off the bed and bit his hand screaming "I hate you. This is my mother. I will kill you". This is such a shock to me. Why is my daughter murderous? How can I protect my baby from her? I keep him with me all the time and try to keep her away but I am worried that my she may harm him when my back is turned. Are there any medicines to treat my daughter? Should I send her away to my parents house? I am so confused and depressed. I am unable to sleep at night. Please help me.

Dr. Gautham's reply:
Sibling Rivalry (saghodaraththuva pagai) is a very common problem that occurs when the parents do not prepare the older child for the new sibling. Sibling rivalry can begin even before the younger child is born. It is more common when the second child is born after an interval of 2 years or more. Your son was born when your daughter was 4 years old. Till your son was conceived your daughter enjoyed all the status and attention of an only child. It is possible that when your son was conceived your family discussed the need for a son in the presence of your daughter and she began to resent the fact that you were more excited with the child who was conceived than with her. It is most probable that when your son was born you could not give any time to your daughter as you were busy caring for the new born. A child who is more than 6 to 8 years old and is going to school that has a kindergarten section most often develops a concept of sharing and that younger children need more attention. But you cannot expect a 4 year old to have this understanding. 

Dr. Gautham's reply contd...

A four year old child cannot understand the physical needs of a new born child or that it needs a lot of attention from the mother. All the 4 year old knows is that she  has suddenly lost all the attention that she used to get. The loss of attention from the parents is interpreted as a loss of love and the older child becomes jealous of the newborn who has taken her place. 

The cause for this jealousy is the parents who have neglected to prepare the older child for the new born, and who have failed to give her the attention she needs after the child was born. And if  you continue to  pay more attention to your son and push your  daughter away because of your anxiety over the new born being harmed, then YOU will be responsible for the jealousy turning to hate. The problem is not with your daughter but with your lack of understanding of the situation and the needs of your young daughter. You have to take immediate steps to correct the situation.

Start paying more attention to your daughter. In fact, you must give EQUAL attention to both children. Feed your daughter when you are feeding your son. Give them  a bath together. When you buy something for your son, buy something similar for your daughter. Or better still involve your daughter in buying things for your son and get her something at the same time.

Start getting your daughter involved in caring for her brother. Explain to her that her brother is a helpless little infant and that it is her responsibility to see that his needs are met. Make caring for the baby a game. Start putting the children together instead of separating. Over the next few months focus on turning you daughter into a little mother who takes care of her little brother.