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Question:
l got married two years ago, it was an arranged marriage. We both are doing PhD from different universities in India, 1500 Km apart. After one month of our marriage I returned to my university for my studies and yearly twice I visit my home for two to three weeks. But in all these days at least once we talk each other through mobile phone for 10 to 15 mins. After our marriage I had visited my home five times, and in all the times I noticed that my wife is not interested in having sex with her. However, due to my compulsion she agrees and after some time she refuses saying enough. She avoids having discussions with my parents and family member and relatives, and answers whenever they ask her anything, but otherwise keeps silent. 

During my recent visit, she told me that, she had never thought about marriage because she can’t be satisfied with her married life. But disclosing this will make her parents unhappy and make them worry, and so she agreed for marriage. She told me that she can never treat me as husband but only as a friend and started crying and said God has created her in such a way.  She also added that  when I call her, she gets disturbed and fearful> She does not want to think that she is married, and wants to live alone. She avoids her fellow colleagues even, she has no friend either. Whenever she knows that I am visiting home  she gets so tensed that she feel headache.

When I asked my in-laws they replied that they are not aware of anything about her.  They took her for counselling, but in vain. Her anger against me is growing day by day. She does not even attend my phone calls now. She never take that good things that I have done to her and she always remembers the small mistakes that I have done like not offering her gifts, not taking her out for dinner etc.

Kindly help me please by giving your valuable suggestions.

Dr. Gautham's Reply:
Yours is certainly not the ideal marital relationship. I have never understood, and never will, how anyone can get married when they are staying geographically separated, and can expect to be separated for a few years, and still expect to have a happy married life. You have to decide where you want to make a compromise in life, and you have decided that it will be in your marriage. So, how do you expect your wife, who was not comfortable with getting married in the first place, to just blindly accept you and have sex with you when you are never there for her?

Marriage is for partnership, and not for sex. Sex is only a part of marriage and not the sole purpose. Therefore, I can perfectly understand that your wife wants you to be a friend first. Obviously her expectations of her husband have never been met. You are still a stranger. So, how can you expect her to get in bed with a stranger and have sex with him, just because a wedding has been performed?

Dr. Gautham's Reply (Contd...):

 I suggest that you decide what it is that you want, and prioritize your needs. If it is your PhD that comes first, then leave your wife alone (after first discussing it with her) till you finish your PhD and can join her and be a full time husband and partner (friend). Then, AFTER you have established a relationship with her and she has established a bond with you, you can start indulging in sex with her. However, if you decide that your wife comes first, then you may have to give your PhD a break and go home and establish a relationship with your wife. Alternately, if your wife is willing to give her PhD a break, you can ask her to join you, and START a relationship with her, and AFTER she is comfortable with you, you can re-establish your sexual relationship with her. Please understand that you cannot have it all your way, and that your wife is not just an intrument to be used for sex and to bear your child. So, first start wooing her like you are meeting her for the first time. Be nice to her, get her gifts, take her out whenever you can and stop demanding sex from her. Decide whether she comes first or your PhD, and act accordingly. But whatever you do REMEMBER, you FIRST HAVE TO establish a caring relationship with her BEFORE you can demand any more sex from her.

What ever may be her condition, one thing is for sure. She needs to be treated actively with medication combined with Cognitive Behavior Therapy. You may need to look closely at how much room you give your teen to be an individual and ask yourself questions such as: "Am I a controlling parent?," "Do I listen to my child?," and "Do I allow my child's opinions and tastes to differ from my own?" You may also need to attend parental counselling to understand your own feelings about your divorce, how they are affecting your behaviour towards your child, and how to handle the relationship better.