There are certain things teenagers really need to hear from their parents.

Having a teenager is one of the most challenging times in your marriage as well as your life.

It is scary, frustrating, and chaotic. It is a time of letting go, enforcing rules, strengthening boundaries and also nurturing. Teens may appear to be fighting against you at times-rebelling from your rules, pointing out your inadequacies, and telling you “how old fashioned you are.” However, they also still love and need you. They need you to stay strong and enforce the rules and structure that help make them feel secure. 

 You cannot wait for the right occasion to say these. You must say them at every possible opportunity. You can say them at night when the child is relaxed and going to sleep since they offer less resistance at night just before bedtime. Also they will remember what you said, and they will reflect on it when you least expect it. A web survey asked teenagers "What do you wish your parents would say to you?"   The answers may be quite surprising. Here are 15 things that teenagers expect their parents to say:

• "No one will ever love you in the same way or have your best interests at heart than us, your parents".

Of course you love your child, no doubt about it, but when was the last time you actually said it?  Sometimes we get so wrapped up in what we are doing in our jobs, in our personal lives, in our relationships that we forget to say the obvious but important things.  Don't take it for granted that your child knows that you love him or her.  Say it.  Sometimes they just need to hear the words.

• "You have so many gifts and options; I am so proud of you.

There are things about your child that make you proud.  Maybe they have a gentle, giving heart or maybe they have an exceptional artistic ability.  Find at least one thing in your child that you are proud of and let them know about it.  When you talk about your child to others, what do you say?  What elements about him or her do you mention, even brag about to others?  If you find that you are only seeing the negative, then it is a good time to find something positive, something good.  Then let them know about it.  You might be surprised in the attitude change that a simple "I am proud of you" can bring.

•  "How can I help you reach your dreams?"

Your teen is not you.  They have different likes and dislikes, they have different interests.  To many teens, the feeling that they are not recognized as individuals is very real – and very frustrating.  Maybe they grew up in a family of doctors, but they want to be a writer.  Maybe they feel drawn to a different religion or lifestyle.  Maybe they grew up in a large family with lots of kids, but have chosen to only have one or two children when they "grow up" and start a family.  Whatever the differences are, there is usually at least some anxiety involved when they tell you about it.  As a loving, supportive parent, just saying "I support you in the things you want to do in your life" can make all the difference.

• "No matter what you confide in me, I will not judge you and will always love you, believe in you and do what is best for you."

The teen years are uncertain times.  Your child may not feel so sure that they are going to succeed.  Do you take the time to remind your child that you believe that they can do whatever they set out to do?  Do you offer them your support and faith in them?  When was the last time you told your child "I believe in you" or that you believe they can succeed?  Now may be the time.

• "I am sorry."

No one wants to admit that they were wrong.  Sometimes "I am sorry" is the hardest thing to say.  But even though you are the parent, it does not mean that you are immune to blunders or making wrong decisions.  When you are wrong, admit it.  It will not undermine your position as parent in your child's eyes, rather, it will earn you some respect as they see that you are big enough to admit that you were wrong, that you can own up to your mistakes and that you respect them and their feelings enough to reach out and say "I am sorry." Say this whenever you hurt your child, or your child is in pain from something someone else said to them.

• "You are a good person. I admire you more than you can ever understand or know."

Kids need to know that their parents think highly of them and approve of them.  Telling them that they are good, sweet, kind, smart and other positive things will help to build their self esteem and strengthen your relationship with them.  Children are no different from adults in that they strongly desire and need approval from the people who are closest to them.  They need to know that their parents think highly of them and respect them.  Take the time to tell your child positive things that you observe about them.  Everyone has some good in them and even if your teen is "difficult," you can certainly find a positive attribute to highlight.

These things may seem small, but to your teenager  who needs to hear these things, they are huge.  Take the time to say the words.  Think about what your teenager  wants to hear from you, what they need to hear.  Then make an effort to give that to your child.  Give them the gift of your words, powerful and true.

•  "I accept you for what you are. You are an integral part of this family, and the family needs you to run smoothly."

Teens need to feel accepted by their parents.  They may not always act like it.  In fact, they may even do and say things to make you believe the exact opposite.  The truth is, though, they need and want your approval and acceptance.   Acceptance is that unconditional love, that knowledge that no matter what they do or say, you will always love them, just as they are.  Just those simple words can mean a great deal.  Let your teen know, "I accept you."

• "I did not mean what I said. I was upset. I am sorry you don’t like my rules, but you will have to abide by them. I will hold you accountable if you break them and there will be a consequence."

It happens to pretty much everyone at one time or another; you say something that you didn't mean.  It was cutting; it was cruel.  You know that it really hurt the other person's feelings, but what do you do when it is your child?  Some parents don't think that they need to go back and apologize for words spoken in anger or frustration.  They don't think that they need to let their child know that they did not mean what was said.  That is a grave mistake.  If you say something to your child and then wish you hadn't, just suck it up, apologize and say "I didn't mean it."

• "You are important / special to me. I vowed to be the best parent I could be for you. I make mistakes but they are not meant to hurt you. I make them because I love you so much and get scared sometimes. It is hard parenting a teen (your child will understand this confession)."

You might think that your child is important or special, but how many times have you actually told them that you feel that way?  Again, saying the words can have a huge impact on your child's self esteem as well as your relationship with your child.  Hug your child (even your teenager!) and tell him or her that they are important, that they are special.  It only takes a minute, but it will make a difference.

• "It's OK to love your mother /father."

Many times, a child feels torn between the two parents, feeling as if he or she has to show loyalty to one by shutting out the other.  A situation where the teen is attached to one parent and that parent has a difference of opinion with the spouse is a terribly confusing and painful time for a child.  Even if you don't voice your disdain for your spouse, your feelings are often transmitted to your child.  Children are sensitive to their parents' emotions.  Don't think that just because you don't actually say anything negative about your spouse that your child doesn't pick up on or perceive your negative feelings.  Give them permission, tell them, "It's OK to love your mother (or father as the case may be)."

• I like and appreciate your friends, but I love you the most.

• It is okay to mess up; I do it all the time.

• If you are in trouble call me first, no matter where you are. I may be angry, but my first concern will always be your safety. We will talk about punishment or consequences later.

• I don’t care what your friends get to do. I am not their parent; I am yours and you are my main responsibility and concern.

• If you get in trouble at school, be honest with me. Your teacher is the authority at school and if I hear it from your teacher before I hear it from you, I will feel betrayed or deceived. I may react to this breach of trust.

The amount of years your child is a teen are relatively short, but no time in your child’s life can influence the relationship they have with you into adulthood as much as their teen years. Hold strong boundaries, talk with them, listen to them, and tell them frequently with a hug how much you love them. They will make it through and so will you.